Monday, October 03, 2005
martha freakin stewart--and an insite in everythign else on my troubled mind
yep. that's me. martha freakin stewart on a tight budget in the outskirts of one of the biggest metropolis's in the world.
this is how I've martha-ized my apartment (and if that isn't a verb, it damn well should be and as my visa officially states I am a "specialist in human./int. serv" I deem it a new word)
pretty yellow curtain that was supposed to be but never was back in America. postcards. blue guitar. that's my new apt.
and yet, I'm deciding whether or not to try to move again.
the prospective apartment would be a little cheaper and about 3 min walking to KM school. still at least an hour to shinnme, but closer than now. bigger, but without a loft. only a few minutes from the train station.
Ye Ol' Eikaiwa thinks I'm being ungrateful by wanting to move.
it is a manager's apt (but currently vacant) so if they want to put someone else in, I'd have to move again. and since they think I'm ungrateful... they won't give me any idea how likely that is. I'd have to pay for relocation. I don't know if they'd help me find a new place if I had to leave that one.
but these are all just details. really it comes down to if I should make the best of the situation for the sake of settling a little and feeling settled or should I keep pushing for better greener pastures.
it would be a pain in the ass to move. and just thinking about it is kinda stressful... but that's like 7 more hours a week that I'm not on a train somewhere. That's time I could spend exercising. That's time I could spend sleeping. That's a lot of time.
I read all of Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy in one week of commuting. I'm becoming zen with my commute, but another few hours of sleep every week wouldn't be so bad either.
as many of my past roommates and/or exs could tell anyone, I'm remarkably bad divorcing my decisions from one another. so the question is, should I push to get this apartment, even if I only get it for a little while.
this is tied to:
can I try to find a way to work at KM five days a week? how do I do that?
if I do that should I mentally commit myself to staying with Ye Ol' Eikaiwa for more that a year?
should I try to connect people so much that I'll be good and grounded for years to come?
should I really lay down roots like that or should I stick with one of my plans of moving somewhere else after a year to see more of the world... like Thailand or something?
do I want to stick with this teaching thing and see the world? it seems like a good ticket but I miss my friends... and their oddities are not likely to be found quickly anywhere I go. people don't share those types of oddities freely. I'm pretty good at making fast friends... but deep friends I really really miss.
so does that mean I should settle somewhere, at least mentally for a little?
but that lingering ripping sound that still echoes through me when I think of leaving Japan last time scares the hell out of me.
and if I ever want to go back to science I need to take that seriously too.
do I want go back to science?
I feel the question nagging at me. I feel like I still can but my time will run out if I'm not careful. I feel like I have to choose something somehow. and I think about grad school. and I think about traveling the world. and both seem like they could be full of lonely prospects. or not. but that neither guarantee any sort of social stability.
and the pursuit of a question. I think it was a med student who introduced "mental masturbation" into my working vocabulary (and I know my pooor shocked grandparents may be reading this) but that is one reason why science draws me. it often a puzzle for the sake of an awesome puzzle. sure, we may cure cancer or not... but we have a blast thinking about the puzzle in a mean time. and I miss that. teaching isn't like that. I like being a student, a researcher....
but living abroad is like that. and thats why I wanted to come back and try this crazy traveling thing again...
and yet, I feel like this is a temporary gig. I feel fairly sure of that. so... what does that mean? I don't even know.
my fellow american teacher answers, "perfect." every time someone asks, "hows it going" but will leave the day his contract is up. he doesn't have anything in particular in mind to follow this adventure. it is just that. an isolated chapter in life. to be embraced and reveled in. but isolated and ended.
I don't know what I want. I don't have a plan.
and deciding whether or not to move somehow encompasses all these swirling thoughts. so I strum my guitar and read and try to sleep. I go to work and drink too much coffee. I squirm while I'm teaching my classes because I have to pee. but I drink more coffee anyway, focus on the conversation in class and dont' think about all of this until I get on the bus or train home. and I think or I listen to my little blaring iPod as I dash through tokyo station (you know over 5 million people travel to work every working day in the Tokyo area, that means my thoughts compromise at least .00002 % of the commuting collective thought)
an since all my closest friends are boys, I'm writing rambling entries rather than talking out loud.
feel free to comment. I could use some dialog.