Monday, October 03, 2005

martha freakin stewart--and an insite in everythign else on my troubled mind

yep. that's me. martha freakin stewart on a tight budget in the outskirts of one of the biggest metropolis's in the world.
this is how I've martha-ized my apartment (and if that isn't a verb, it damn well should be and as my visa officially states I am a "specialist in human./int. serv" I deem it a new word)

pretty yellow curtain that was supposed to be but never was back in America. postcards. blue guitar. that's my new apt.

and yet, I'm deciding whether or not to try to move again.

the pros:
the prospective apartment would be a little cheaper and about 3 min walking to KM school. still at least an hour to shinnme, but closer than now. bigger, but without a loft. only a few minutes from the train station.

the cons:
Ye Ol' Eikaiwa thinks I'm being ungrateful by wanting to move.
it is a manager's apt (but currently vacant) so if they want to put someone else in, I'd have to move again. and since they think I'm ungrateful... they won't give me any idea how likely that is. I'd have to pay for relocation. I don't know if they'd help me find a new place if I had to leave that one.

but these are all just details. really it comes down to if I should make the best of the situation for the sake of settling a little and feeling settled or should I keep pushing for better greener pastures.

it would be a pain in the ass to move. and just thinking about it is kinda stressful... but that's like 7 more hours a week that I'm not on a train somewhere. That's time I could spend exercising. That's time I could spend sleeping. That's a lot of time.

I read all of Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy in one week of commuting. I'm becoming zen with my commute, but another few hours of sleep every week wouldn't be so bad either.

as many of my past roommates and/or exs could tell anyone, I'm remarkably bad divorcing my decisions from one another. so the question is, should I push to get this apartment, even if I only get it for a little while.

this is tied to:
can I try to find a way to work at KM five days a week? how do I do that?
if I do that should I mentally commit myself to staying with Ye Ol' Eikaiwa for more that a year?
should I try to connect people so much that I'll be good and grounded for years to come?
should I really lay down roots like that or should I stick with one of my plans of moving somewhere else after a year to see more of the world... like Thailand or something?
do I want to stick with this teaching thing and see the world? it seems like a good ticket but I miss my friends... and their oddities are not likely to be found quickly anywhere I go. people don't share those types of oddities freely. I'm pretty good at making fast friends... but deep friends I really really miss.
so does that mean I should settle somewhere, at least mentally for a little?
but that lingering ripping sound that still echoes through me when I think of leaving Japan last time scares the hell out of me.
and if I ever want to go back to science I need to take that seriously too.
do I want go back to science?
I feel the question nagging at me. I feel like I still can but my time will run out if I'm not careful. I feel like I have to choose something somehow. and I think about grad school. and I think about traveling the world. and both seem like they could be full of lonely prospects. or not. but that neither guarantee any sort of social stability.
and the pursuit of a question. I think it was a med student who introduced "mental masturbation" into my working vocabulary (and I know my pooor shocked grandparents may be reading this) but that is one reason why science draws me. it often a puzzle for the sake of an awesome puzzle. sure, we may cure cancer or not... but we have a blast thinking about the puzzle in a mean time. and I miss that. teaching isn't like that. I like being a student, a researcher....

but living abroad is like that. and thats why I wanted to come back and try this crazy traveling thing again...

and yet, I feel like this is a temporary gig. I feel fairly sure of that. so... what does that mean? I don't even know.

my fellow american teacher answers, "perfect." every time someone asks, "hows it going" but will leave the day his contract is up. he doesn't have anything in particular in mind to follow this adventure. it is just that. an isolated chapter in life. to be embraced and reveled in. but isolated and ended.

I don't know what I want. I don't have a plan.

and deciding whether or not to move somehow encompasses all these swirling thoughts. so I strum my guitar and read and try to sleep. I go to work and drink too much coffee. I squirm while I'm teaching my classes because I have to pee. but I drink more coffee anyway, focus on the conversation in class and dont' think about all of this until I get on the bus or train home. and I think or I listen to my little blaring iPod as I dash through tokyo station (you know over 5 million people travel to work every working day in the Tokyo area, that means my thoughts compromise at least .00002 % of the commuting collective thought)

an since all my closest friends are boys, I'm writing rambling entries rather than talking out loud.

feel free to comment. I could use some dialog.


Dajii said...

Ah .. Kori. I told you that you should be a plumber. Get a nice paycheck, Leave all the sh#t behind at the end of the day. But noooo .. you had to be a Doctor, a Bio genius, A save the world type. But ya know, I'm so proud of you,trying all the things in the world, saving a tiny chunk of it at a time. And I apologize for giving you the angsty gene, but it may serve you yet.
Traveling will likely be lonely also, unless you have a companion. But that can turn into abhorance and revulsion unless carfully tuned to eachothers enthuasiam. Still, I recommend it over traveling alone. At least you have someone to murder on a Bangdlesh back road. always improves the spirit.
hang tight, and I'll come over and travel with ya. Do the protective thing and we can get our wallets stolen together. Gonna be some months though. Like at least 4.
Getting hurled onto the japanese street and having to pay your way into yet another place would probably clean out your cash and pride. Maybe use those 7 hours to save the world. I could use a leaision with the ministry of Transportation in Brazil. Save the worlds largest wetland. Can ya ipod a black market business in weird enzymes that re-generate organs, while commuting? hear pitutiary hormones do cool things, like grow third arms.
What about sub letting your room and moving unofficially in with with a fellow bar fly? having one job sounds better than two, if you can get fulltime and no recrimination from your bosses. Present the propasition like it's requred for the efficiency of their program. You would make this sacrifice for them.

Big 5 day horse races here this weekend. Must be 300 extra people around here. Might sneak over and steal some food. Rainiy and gloomy and cold after the 100 deg summer.

I wish we weren't in all these little boxes scattered all over the world. I miss you. beautiful writing, love you, Dajii

Katie said...

Your dad's image of sitting in little boxes... gets me. I love my box, we've made it our home out here... but man do I miss deep friends.

My face has been marked with dryed tears all day, because I keep crying-- to myself, on my advisor, on Dave, now to my computer, which is sort of to you.

If I were you, I'd settle, not move. Because of the money, because of the time and stress that moving takes, because your situation is fundamentally temporary anyway and because you *do* seem to be settling in, which is a valuable thing. But then, you and I very rarely choose to do the same thing, so it really comes down to what you want.

As far as life goes... you know, a year or four won't hurt you in any direction. You are not cutting off your grad school options by being there, or even by staying for a while. You are feeling rushed because you are *always* feeling rushed, because you are *good* at feeling rushed... but that's not what you need right now. That's not what this particular adventure is about.

I love you so much, girl. I wish I could pop up in your apartment and give you hugs and talk for hours and cry on you for real. I think we could both use it.

Anonymous said...

hon, you're looking at alot all at once - the immediate, the medium visible and the far unknown future.
every day you're in japan, you're traveling the world. many people who stay say that after a year in a foreign place, it feels like home and they really settle in. that would be different than what you are experiencing now. changing countries often wouldn't achieve that if that is soething you want - the settling.

how difficult would it be to look on your own for an apt? you may be gasping now, saying "you have no idea" and i don't. i'm just thinking how another apt closer to school and teaching at only the closer school would solve alot of anxiety but i have no idea how feasible that is. it's a good vision in your mind i think.
the other question of teaching vs science is too big too soon.( remember you DID tire of the lab and RE-SEARCHING. ) i'd let this rest for awhile longer.

the thing about friends. ahh. it's difficult to live away from good friends. they center us, they love us despite everything, they think of our wellbeing. in turn, we do the same, encouraging them in their healthy decisions, in their health. after college, they can scatter and some stay forever your friends, while you meet new ones "out in the world" who join your close cadre.

i don't know the answers. but we can kick it around.
loving you, mum