Thursday, November 02, 2006

I am NOT obese

and other stories. including, 'I am NOT spoiled stale unwanted Christmas Cake, dammit'

On many days, I do love Japan. I envy to poise that people have, even if it is a mask. I am fascinated by the 'wa' or harmony, even if it does stifle the individual creative instinct. But it makes the rebels and the artists even more appealing. I'm always curious about all the other ex-pats and what brought them to the here, what, now. I love the mix of new age technologies and skyscrapers, dotted with ancient shrines and rustic cemeteries. The blend of modern with traditional, the illogical xenophobia combined with the overwhelming mimicking of foreign culture, are all things that keep me in Japan.

But when I'm looking for stockings to go with my bubble wrap dress Halloween costume, I feel the echo of 'you are different' 'you are too tall' 'you are too wide' press down on me. When I muster up the courage to ask if the L-LL is the largest size they have, and she says 'yes', despite the fact that the dimensions really are much too small for my long substantial legs... I feel defeated. but I bought them anyway and sat on the train saying over and over to myself

I am NOT obese
I am NOT obese
I am NOT obese
I am NOT obese

so I turned 26 on Tuesday. This means that one year ago, last Tuesday, I turned 25. When I turned 25, two of my students explained to me about Christmas cake. Apparently, women are like cake, especially of the Christmas variety (though this doesn't have to do with nuts or funky jelly fruit, you can embellish the metaphor to your particular taste). So Christmas cake sells really well around the 22nd and 23rd, right? It's even pretty hot on the 24th. While there are significantly fewer buyers on the 25th, sometimes the remaining ones get swooped up. Unfortunately for girls like me though, sometimes the 26th roles around and...I'm still fucking single. At least I don' have to see those particular two students (who have mediocre marriages, I may add) anymore.

I am NOT stale Christmas Cake.
I am NOT stale Christmas Cake.
I am NOT stale Christmas Cake.
I am NOT stale Christmas Cake.

In many ways, I feel much more single this year than last. I guess, theoretically, single is single but up until I came to Japan, I hadn't been single for a while. For nearly 2 and a half years I was in one relationship or another (thanks guys!) and felt like I was moving closer to some sort of meaningful relationship that I wouldn't fuck up. But now, as Ani says,

Lately it seems like every one's joined at the hip
I'm so fancy. I'm so fancy. I'm so fancy free.
I am so fancy free.

While I am not always happy with my fancy free lifestyle, I am glad I didn't stay with people who were a bad match for me. To those guys, I hope you find 'the right girl.' I hope you also see that I wasn't 'the right one'.

Congratulations to all my friends who got married or engaged this year. You are all your own unique example of how it should be done. I'm envious but not the least jealous. Smashing job.

the sleepy mind is interfering with forming coherent thoughts, so I'll be signing off tonight as usual.

the adventures continue
(and I am NOT frickin' stale obese cake, dude!)

2 comments:

SonicLlama said...

Well, I've only been here for a little over a week, and so far I've been playing the "find someone taller than me" game. So far, I've seen two guys who were: 1- An absolutely huge Japanese guy in a suit waiting for a train, who would have been big even by western standards, and 2- Another gaijin I saw on the street.
So, yeah. It seem's like Japan's all skewed proportionally. I ain't tall, and you ain't obese.
You're right about buying a bike, it is going to probably suck. Shoes too.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL... SIMPLY UTTERLY BEAUTIFUL.