Monday, May 15, 2006

a moment of clarity

Tokyo is a noisy place, both in a normal, physical sense, and in an intellectual sense. It’s noisy in my head, here in Tokyo. But last week a simple and small moment of clarity that I had been waiting for a long time, unpretentiously without fanfare or warning, found me.

Between the rattling trains zooming by my apartment and the memorization of their endless schedules, between the giggling of the uniformed school girls and the unsettled memories of when that was me, between the endless announcements seeking the capitalize on Mother’s Day and my resentment toward every reminder, between the blaring children’s songs and the thousand Japanese characters that I’m trying to form in to a language, for one moment everything went quiet and I could hear myself. My life came into focus.

and it was obvious to me that it was finally time to quit my job. It’s time to change my life so I can stay sane and healthy. it’s time to do it now.

there are lots of little reasons and they all just added up and now I’m on the job hunt. so far doing well.

I’m not quitting till I find another job and I’m going about it slowly and carefully. Basically I want a job that pays the same or better.
A job that doesn’t require me to work later than 6 (or 7 at a stretch) so that I can take martial arts and Japanese lessons at night. This is my chance to become fluent in Japanese, but I can’t do it at this job. Also, I realized that most satisfying times in my life corresponded with either martial arts and/or dance lessons at night. learning something physical will go really far towards keeping me sane.

the complete lack of job security has destroyed my loyalty to the company. it feels like I’ll have to leave eventually anyway. the question is if it’ll be on my terms or the whim of head office.

I also really resent that it is in my best interest to lie constantly about how much I work so that the company doesn’t have to pay into the national social insurance scheme. It’s one thing to work hard and have someone give you kudos for it. It’s completely different for the company to act like you are just stupid for needing more than 10 min to prepare, set-up and clean up each class. If I’m working hard for someone I want it recognized and at least verbally rewarded. the system is crap and, quiet simply, doesn’t work for me.

there are other things like the commute and my particular trainer blah blah, but it’s mainly the schedule and the insecurity. so it’s time to change my life.

and the dust has settled in all the turmoil and noise of Tokyo so that for the first time I feel like I have the courage to do it. wish me luck.

I’m sorry I haven’t felt like writing much lately. one reason is that I’ve recently made more friends and so I’m talking to friends more, which leads to less writing. I’ll try and keep posting as exciting things happen though. and as get through resizing my picture of Korea.

wish me luck on the hunt!


jim said...

What wonderful clarity! I am so so glad you were able to hear your own voice speak to you amid so many pressures and noises. This is a real gift and you will practice it more and more because you invite it. I think understanding includes standing for yourself. "I stand here." If more of us would do this, our world would be full of fulfilled desires and dreams and the art of life.

Remember that sometimes when we make decisions, there can be a reaction that questions and tests our decision. Doubt and dread. But perhaps when a voice speaks to you so so clearly, you are way beyond that.

Dance at night.

love, Jim

Dajii said...

Hi Wonderful Kori,

Good for you to make a decision about where you are and where you are going. Yes, a year and some is enough time to see the way a company operates and where you stand in it. The corporate rule is, that if you don't get promoted in two years, it's time to move on. It dosen't look like promotion is even in the corporate struture where you are.
I goes without saying that you will be appreciated whee you wind up, and likely take over the place, as usual. Please try to not commit yourself to long hours. The damn work will allways be there weather you do a lot or a little of it. So mix in a healty gob of living as you go. Enjoy your friends. Spend time with them, as that is really all that people want. And what makes you close.
I miss you so very much Kori, and I know you are doing the right thing for your self. It is usually the third job that is the good one, or the one you don't think you have a chance at. Act a little carefree, like it really dosen't matter if you get the job or not. Put your feet up on their table. Do not eat. Be animated, but on a tangential subject. Do not feel loyality for a year till they prove they are with you. Bail in a week if you have to, like if there are perverts around. Do not live in stress, you are way too beautiful in mind and spirit to let anyone mess with you.
happy to hear you identify the phyisical activity of dance or chopchop as stabilizing for the mind. Our bodies need all the systems tuned. Mine works the same way, can't do office, and you are a chunk off the block.
I think of you all the time. Have korea up on the tooter screen. Very colorful. Love you sooo much.

Your Dajii

inkandpen said...

Sounds like a lot of good choices.

Good luck.

Lots of love, will write soon,


Murray said...

I really hope you have good luck finding a new job. Sounds like it's definitely time for a new job.