Tuesday, December 13, 2005


**Disclaimer** This entry contains reference to my freshman year of college, when I first heard Rent and was very depressed. Obviously, I've pulled though alright. If you didn't know me at that time and don't want to know more, skip this entry but see the movie. On the other hand, if you have seen the play or heard the music, this isn't really a spoiler. This is more of a personal reation.

I've wrapped this music around me in some of my darkest times for the last 6 years and I was worried about seeing the movie. How could a PG13 rating do this story justice? How could these characters that I've become to attached to be presented on the screen in someone else's vision?

There is a magic involved if a movie leaves you happy after bawling for an hour. and Rent has that magic. I went to the movie with Tamara and started crying somewhere around "One Song Glory" and I was a gonner for most of the movie. Luckily, Tamara seemed equally inspired.

It amazes me that I have listened to these lyrics for 6 years, have almost of them memorized both the words, melody and musical cues but seeing it all put together still brought back that same inspiration.

I remember being so sad and messed up my freshman year. I remember sitting crosslegged on my tiny dorm bed, pulling a blanket close around me and listening to the soundtrack over and over hoping my roommate wouldn't come home. I remember how heavy the diagnosis of "bipolar" felt at the time and how I couldn't imagine a real lively life that could coincide with so much poorly working medication. I was so scared about the future and so furious over all sorts of things that i thought I could never do. and thoughts of the future were so weightly as thoughts of the sickness, the diagnosis and the treatment swarmed around me like thick fog. on the days that I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel I believed it must be a train bearing down on me. that's what depression does to you.

and Rent had this message of hope despite all the fucked up miserble shit in the world. it had protagonists that fell in love eventhough they were sick and dying. they chanted, "no day but today" as their mantra. they had a hope that I could believe in. they had the type of strength I could aspire to.

So I cry when I hear, "One Song Glory" because I'm so afraid that my life will be too short to make any difference

The voices swell together, "There's only us, there's only this, forget regret or life is yours to miss, No other road no other way, no day but today"
and it feels like a revival choir with a message of hope has just camped out in my head

themes of love and dying. themes of death and sickness. themes of heartbreak and junkies.

and yet, I hear this music and these voices seep in to my heart and uplift it. the hour spent crying is immensly cathartic.

1 comment:

Murray said...

I've never seen Rent. I've heard the music a few tiems, but never enough to learn the songs. I'm glad it helps you find some strongs feelings of hope in your life, Kori. I know how hard it is sometimes. Remember, if it's ever not enough, I'm always there for you.